10. The Snizard Monster of 2009 has been missing for five years. Chances are she’s either escaped or dead. Of course there’s also chance she’s hiding in the attic, breeding tiny hybrid snake-lizards.
9. I chose really pretty mirrors for the bathrooms, and I’ll leave them for you. I want you to look at your beautiful mug every morning. I mean, you look really great when you first wake up.
8. We’ve only had one scorpion in our house. I killed it. It was plastic. Thanks for the heart attack, tiny humans.
7. It’s 5 o’clock somewhere, and always 6:20 at my house. The big clock on the family room wall always says 6:20, because I put the batteries in backwards and haven’t had enough energy to change them in the past four years. You don’t get the clock, though. I’m taking it with.
6. It’s not haunted.
5. You can pee off the deck without much of an audience, so say the male members of my household. Apparently men think this is a selling point?
4. Two lawn mowers convey. Just so we’re clear, I’m talking about the two that don’t work.
3. I’m sure my children haven’t peed in the pool. They can hold their bladders for hours, just ask them. Also, it’s never their fault when they get in trouble at school, the wet towel in the bathroom is a mystery, and my kids are never to blame when I receive crippling injuries trying to maneuver a Lego-scattered hallway in the middle of the night.
2. I’m leaving the blinds. You’ll thank me some dark evening when you decide to watch 30 Days of Night in your isolated country home.
1. Our home is on the free, neighborhood pest control rotation. We call it Stray Guineas, Inc.
PHOMSITHI'S PLAYGROUND 