Life Hacks: Real Mom Edition

I can’t look at Pinterest anymore without seeing an avalanche of “life hacks” my friends have pinned.  You know the things, right?  Tips like “put tea bags in your gym shoes to eliminate odor” and “put sprinkles in the bottom of ice cream cones to slow leaks.”  Today I saw one that advised women to “lick the tape covering your mouth if your kidnapper ties your hands behind your back.”  I’ll definitely file that away for the next time I’m kidnapped; then I’ll be able to have a nice chat with my kidnapper when he shoots the trunk open.  My favorite life hack is the one about how to clean up your cell with a maxi pad when your prison wife pees in your floor.  Oh, wait, that was from Orange is the New Black, not Pinterest.  Nearly as useful as the kidnapping hack, though.  

Here’s the thing:  I don’t want hacks that help me to hang my vacation pictures in my hallway, help me keep my paint trays clean, or teach me how to store bobby pins neatly on the door of a cupboard.  I’m a real mom who generally just wants my kids bathed, my husband helpful, and my house clean enough that the UPS man won’t call CPS on me.  And … drum roll … I’ve figured out how to make some of these things happen.  I present to you Life Hacks:  Real Mom Edition.

1. Allow me to begin with a hack I learned from the world’s best mom, my own:  When given only a few minutes to pick up the house for unexpected guests, the oven is a fantastic place to store dirty dishes. 
2. The laundry room can also serve as a place to hide Christmas and birthday presents from family.  Only moms are even aware that the room exists.
3. Keep your kids scared enough to shower daily by inventing stories about people who were afflicted with “crotch rot.”  Hey, if kids believe that a flying fairy wants to trade dirty, bloody teeth for money, they’ll believe that the Rot Monster roams the land looking to give un-bathed children undesirable diseases.
4. Want to get your husband to text back when he’s busy?  Type “I’m expecting,” and then hit send.  He’ll get back to you.
5. The most recent hack I happened upon has kept my house clean for a week … and not just any week, but the week following Christmas.  I know, right?  And, gasp, I wasn’t the one cleaning!  My son desperately wants video game time, and he has to earn it.  Take out the trash?  Ten minutes.  Unload the dishwasher?  Fifteen.  
6. Can’t keep kids’ shoes out of the front entrance?  Quit trying.  Buy a big basket, put it by the door for shoes, and when people come over, stick the basket in the laundry room.  Remember, only you can see the laundry room.
7. To get your husband to change the hallway light bulb, parade down the hallway with a light bulb, ladder, and drill.  Yell, “Honey, will you grab the circular saw for me?”

That’s where I’ll have to end for now.  My husband is due home soon, and I’ve got to grab a ladder and drill …